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I find myself pondering the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. tonight and wondering why we have so few leaders like him.  What kind of person is so deeply passionate about racial reconciliation that they are willing to endanger themselves in order to speak out?What kind of person becomes such a great change agent?  As I ponder, I wonder if I have what it takes to be that kind of leader.  I want to think I make a difference in my small sphere of things but today I come up short.  I want change so badly and I am making progress on this new reality but today there is a war within.  And yet, one person changed, one transformation happening, is powerful, yes?  It takes great courage to get in the pit with someone.  Some days, I jump headfirst over the railing.  Other days, I dip my toes in, as if easing into freezing cold water.  Everything is swirling and spinning around in my head. Making me doubt myself and the progress I have made.  When will it not be a wrestling match, to love myself as I am?  Perhaps it will always be this way.  Perhaps not.  For tonight, I will rest in the knowledge that I am enough.  Right here. Right now.  Leader that I am.  Leader that I am yet to be.   Desire for change burning bright.   Courage to change lying within.  And as I rest, I find these words rising to the surface, in honor of Dr. King.   In honor of the Divine spark in all of us.

Leader, great,
what makes it so?
Mover of fate,
and shaker to and fro.

To shout for justice,
without care for self,
To simply trust this,
and not shove it on a shelf.

I long to be that leader.
Strong, passionate, present.
Fearless, bold, a seeder
Transformative, brave, transparent.

I fear, I am not that leader.
But, damaged, hurt, imperfect.
A coward, fraud and cheater.
Standing here waiting for a verdict.

Self without, I am screaming.
Longing for comfort spoken.
God within, speaking back.
There is nothing broken.

Strength, power, changed.
Real and present voice.
God, self not estranged.
It simply takes a choice.


Quiet musings

Sitting in the dark, listening to my six year old snore as he sleeps, I am feeling so very blessed to be his mom.  Life always seems so much simpler when all the kids have been tucked in and the house is quiet.  It is these moments that ground me and remind me of my purpose.  During the day, in the height of my frantic activity, what I call hyper drive, I can easily forget my purpose. The doing takes over.  I get so caught up in the cooking, running errands, fitting in all the necessary meetings, focusing on how to teach truth in relevant ways, troubleshooting the day to day details which are ever present in my work, that I neglect the simple things, which have a far more lasting impact.   Things such as cuddling with my children at night, responding to their cries of pain, kissing that boo-boo, playing Farkle with them and asking them questions about their day and truly listening to the answer, pausing at work to focus on that person who needs my attention instead of rushing ahead with my to do list.  As I sit here tonight, I am reminded that I must find ways to still myself all through out the day and to soak in the presence of the Holy One, so that I am able to connect authentically and deeply with those that my path crosses.  I love these quiet moments and the soft snore of a sleeping child…tonight they stir up a renewed sense of the wonderful, sweet joy that life brings and I am brought to my knees in overwhelming gratitude that I get to be present in the lives of others, the way the Creator is present in mine.

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